I'm Better

WOW! What I rant I went on last night! Today, my heart was heavy to continue in a bible study I started right after Jenny died. I opened it up and ALL OVER the message this is what God told me:

READ MY WORD!

SERIOUSLY! That is what every verse took me to. It took me to worshiping other gods, not giving God the utmost GLORY for what he has given and done for me. That I can not KNOW God with out reading HIS word, not just a book about him, but HIS BOOK.

I was completely convicted, but I am forgiven and on a road to recovery in HIS word.

BLAH!

Yep, BLAH! Just call me Ms. NEGATIVE! Do you ever feel that overwhelming sense of UGH! Just an almost, "DON'T CROSS ME!"? That is where I have been today. Really it started last Saturday, or at least that is when I felt it coming on....

Our usual parking lot was closed (?) for the park where we play soccer. It is a parking lot down a street with houses and I was on time. RIGHT ON TIME. Like almost late. Parker was already at the game, it was just me and B in my car. Since the lot was chained closed, I looped around and decided I could park in front of a house and walk through the closed lot to get the game which would have been so much quicker than that driving to the other parking and then HIKING to the field with B in tow. I would have been late. So I park in front of a house. I even get out of my car and check to make sure I wasn't blocking the mailbox. I get back into my car, and even pull up even more so that I was NOT blocking the mailbox. I stop the car, get out of my car, open B's door, get him out of his seat when the home owner comes out and informs me NOT to park in front of his side walk or his mail box. I could how ever park in front of his house. He really wasn't kind in his tone. I felt like I was in high school getting in trouble. Almost a shame came over me. I put B back into his seat and drove to the other parking and HIKED with B on my hip and almost missed the first quarter where, of course, Parker had started. Nice. I was just worked up. Probably could have cried about it, honestly.

I won't go into play by play about the other details, but Satan is riding my back. My praying is okay, I am doing it daily. I am reading a great book, not the bible daily, but this other spiritual book. I am an emotional wreck. The kids.... the end of preschool deadlines.... dealing with many emotions that have built up over months.... church planting.... why is my squash NOT growing... why is E back to NOT wearing shorts.... you need money for what... you need more money for that.... you need how much money..... sure I can volunteer..... wait, can I find a sitter..... you have a performance when.... you have another performance when.... WHO KNOWS WHEN THE PERFORMANCE IS!!!.... a mother's tea.... when is that....HELP!... you lost your library book.... how much is that.... Yes, you can listen to MIGHT TO SAVE.... YES, You can listen to Mighty to SAVE AGAIN!


Of course, the end of that was a good part. A really good part. Still have that anxiety....GO AWAY! Not you, but IT! GO AWAY ANXIETY! GO AWAY SATAN!

mighty to save

Bowden singing Mighty To Save. Please watch to the end, where you will hear him sing his stuff. Turn up your volume, kind of hard to hear!

This Easter

is different. It just is. You know, I long for people close to me, people I love, to get it. You know, GET IT! Get the LORD! WHO JESUS is! WHY HE CAME! How much better life would be with him in YOUR LIFE! TRULY walking with HIM! I love what I read on someone's facebook tonight: Jesus rose from the dead, you can surely get out of bed! I LOVE IT! Church isn't going to fix someone. You aren't just going to walk through those doors, hear some pretty music, and a great message and walk away in a relationship with JESUS! That isn't how it happens! I surely wish I would have learned that at an earlier age. Going to church isn't the whole package. NOW, don't send me hate emails and comments that I am against the church. I AM NOT! What I truly desire for people, is for them to understand HOW HE LOVES US! THe church can help teach us that. OH, HOW HE LOVES US! You do have to give in a relationship. He will love you anyway, YES YOU! YOU hurting soul! HE LOVES YOU! He also wants you to LOVE him back. SO DO IT!

My friend did that. She LOVED JESUS! Absolutely WHOLE hearted LOVED her SAVIOR! I want to be like her, because she was so much like someone else:::::: JESUS!

Easter is important. It is a great reminder of the power and purpose. Stacey's brother DIED Easter morning 7 years ago. DIED on EASTER! Coma on Friday, DIED on Sunday!

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.” – John 11:25-26

Jenny died. Gregg died. I have had grandparents die... isn't this so comforting...HE WHO BELIEVES IN ME, THOUGH he MAY DIE, HE SHALL LIVE!!!

HE SHALL LIVE!!! OH how HE LOVES US! Thank you LORD for that EMPTY tomb! FOR US! SO THAT WE SHALL LIVE!

WE SHALL LIVE!!!

You're awesome.

Thank you so much readers, who took the time to comment, pray, email, text, send a note, and even a CD! It was because of you that I sucked it up, took a breath, and continued in a functional mode. I am beginning to see a light. I know it is just the beginning of my grieving. I know that. Thank you for letting me be honest. Not judging. Thank you.

I am just getting around to registering my kids for the preschool I work at. I am late. They understand. I turned to one page, a form, printed from last year. It says: Emergency Contact, Jenny Bizaillion.

Wow.

I can't cross her out and write someone else's name there. That doesn't seem right! Maybe I will just put a post it on it.

Captivating!

If you know me, you know I don't like to read(except Junie B. Jones). Reading puts me to sleep. However, I know that I need to read, since I was a reading teacher and so I bought a book back in September. The title is CAPTIVATING,Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. I bought the book while we were in Colorado at Focus on the Family. I knew my Stacey had read Wild at Heart and loved it, so I thought it was a pretty safe bet. I haven't spent the time to really read the book, a little here and a little there, I love the book...and then there was this morning. Parker is sleeping a little later due to his medication, so I took the opportunity to read a little before I needed to start getting ready, and can't wait to share what I learned. Hang with me, I may jump around.

The part I read this morning is called A SPECIAL HATRED. It is about the assault on Femininity and that it cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in scripture. The mean old Prince of Darkness. Who did Satan go after...EVE!

In Ezek. 28:12-14,
"you were the model of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.
You were in Eden, the garden of God; every precious stone adorned you:
ruby, topaz and emerald,
chrysolite, onyx and jasper,
sapphire, turquoise and beryl.
Your settings and mountings were made of gold; on the day you were created they were prepared.
You were anointed as a guardian cherub, for so I ordained you. You were on the holy mount of God; you walked among the fiery stones."

Lucifer was gorgeous, and it was his ruin. Pride entered his heart. He craved the worship that was being given to God for himself.
"Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor." Ezek 28:17.
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art.
But most especially he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the Beauty of God. More than anything else in all creation, she embodies the glory of God.

The Evil One also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth, not men. Women nourish life. And they also bring life in to the world soulfully, relationally, spiritually- in everything they touch. Satan was a murderer from the beginning (john 8:44). He brings death. His is a kingdom of death. Ritual sacrifices, denocide, the Holocaust, abortion- those are his ideas. And thus Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver anda life giver. Eve means "life" or "Life Producer."

Okay WOW! I haven't ever heard this part! The part that touched me the most is about Eve being the "LIFE PRODUCER" and that he singled her out, not Adam, but Eve. He destroys all things beautiful. In our bible study, we have been talking about being intentional. Satan is intentional. I can't wait to share more as I make time to read (I know this doesn't sound like me) and hear more about what the Eldredges' have to say about the woman's soul. As women, we need to pray for our hearts, and our beauty. Satan is attacking us daily, he is seeking us out. He uses men to break our beauty, oh, that was another part of the chapter. You guys should really read the book! Don't wait on me to give you a summary!

We had a great Thanksgiving Feast tonight at church. I love my church family and am very thankful for my friends there!

Parker's Prayer

When we all sit down to eat at the table, Parker extends his arms across his high chair to grasp our hands and then bows his head for prayer. It is the cutest thing. When we have said our prayer Parker applauds, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, that means we must try again, our first prayer wasn't good enough. This has gone on before 3-4 prayers long before we get some claps. Now Parker says AMEN at the end, which is so cute. Last night I was putting the dinner on serving dishes and hear Parker talking in his high chair. I look over and he has his head bowed and is mumbling up a storm, then announces AMEN. He said a little prayer all by himself. When Stacey and I sat down, he reached for our hands and Stacey began to pray, only to have Parker say his prayer again while Stacey was still talking. Parker was just talking away, and then announced AMEN. Stacey thinks we may have a preacher on our hands. Watch out Joel!

Hurting Heart

You know when your heart just hurts? Things happen in your world that you have no control over, but you know God does. That is where I am. I don't understand it. I am trying not to. I am praying for the situation, and I am praying for me. Does that sound selfish? I find myself all to often praying for others, and forgetting to pray for myself. How can God use me in this situation, or don't let Satan work on my heart, or how will this mold us in the future, these are some of the prayers I am praying. I am kind of tired of being clay, but know the mature way to think of it is that it is who I am. I am being worked on by the Master. I just don't like my heart to hurt.

God is so good. Period!

When my faith is low, or I begin to doubt or worry God always provides.

Thank you Lord for providing today.

Forgive me for not coming to you first.

You are my provider.

You know the desires of my heart.

Thank you.

Amen.

Today

Today I hurt. Today I feel desperate. Today I feel angry. Today I feel judgemental. Today I want to go back before Katrina hit and evacuate everyone, regardless of color. I am tired of the blame game that is getting so much coverage. Today I am tired of turning on the TV to hear this has become a race issue. What we need to do is GET THE PEOPLE OUT OF NEW ORLEANS NOW! Where are the buses? Why aren't there miles of buses one after another to get the hurt, the children, the women? Then there are the bullets! A group from my home town went to help volunteer, they were on a rescue barge when they were fired upon. They had to turn around and their rescue efforts postponed. It is probably a few that is causing such chaos, but now we have a shoot to kill order. Which...I have to say...if I was being fired upon I would want to shoot back. These volunteers and rescue workers can't rescue. Helicopters can't take the sick away due to gun shots. What is happening? Last night after refusing to watch any more news I started channel surfing. I happen to stop on MSNBC for some crazy reason because I didn't want any more stuff on Katrina. They showed this lady holding a child, the baby looked around Parker's age, who was sick or dead. This baby's head just rolled around on it's mothers shoulder and chest, lifeless. I screamed. Literally. I prayed out. I cried. That scene has played over and over in my head all night and this morning. It is haunting me. I can hardly type about it because it was so hard to watch. I just don't understand. I know that I am not suppose to either. I don't even know where to go with the rest of this blog. We are trying to help. I wanted to donate, but find that the Red Cross only wants money. I have formula, Pedicare, baby food, that Stacey took up to Reunion Arena moments ago and called me when he left. He said that the Salvation Army is taking anything. You can drop off goods there. Stacey said there were more police men there than he saw refugees, and he saw lots of refugees. He asked how he can help and if he can come back and volunteer and they welcomed him. We need to pray. Today. Pray Today. Stop the violence today! Rescue TODAY! Praise God today for our health, safety, our family, and know that it can be taken away in seconds. Pray that people's hearts, not only their wallets will be opened and that Christ can be seen in many people.

Stainglass, liver exercise, and hope

This past weekend was one I have been looking forward to for a year. Really. Last year I attended the Women of Faith conference and came away with a heart renewed for Christ my Lord. This year, the anticipation was eating at me. I couldn't wait to go, to hear the women singing, to be with my sisters of faith, and to reopen my heart to what God wanted me to take away from the speakers and performers. I love being with my sisters from church. I love the girls weekend. But what I wasn't expecting was the flood of tears that streamed my face every 10 minutes. At first, I thought it was my condition (4 months pregnant). I truly had to believe my Lord was teaching me things through each song and each word. Some not so easy to hear, but itsn't that what it is all about. I loved an illustration about stainglass. I will not even try to tell you the story, everyone hears and processes differently, or at least I have a gift to reading too much into certain things and creating stories from from very little. However, what I want to share are my pieces. You see, I have many pieces. Some of them are pretty, and some of them are EXTREMELY broken. Some of the pieces I broke, and some were broken for me out of my control. BUT, that is me. That is what makes me who I am. I am the ART that God created. Some of you who were there might be thinking, that I truly do have a gift to STRETCH what I heard, but remember that is what God taught me.

Hope. Hope for me. Hope for Stacey. Hope for my friends. Hope for my family members, and hope for PARKER. FORGIVEN. Simple message worth repeating....FORGIVEN.

I learned that laughter is possibly the only exercise for the liver. I need to learn to laugh at things much more often.

Tears. A flood. During the entire conference I was a hose. I wish I could explain, but I know that I am not great with words. Many things tugged at my heart. In song...didn't matter which one...they all had the same effect. Hearing 16,000 women sing in unison was AWESOME! A word I don't use often due to my earthly father teaching me it's power. I just lost half of my blog...so I will have to write about LISA in another blog in the future. She was my tears story, but after 30 minutes of writing this was all I could recover. I do need and want to say one more thing.

There were many things that were truly hard to hear for one reason or another. There was one point in the conference that I wished I was sitting by one of my sisters so that I could hold her hand. I know that she was surrounded by women who loved her, but it didn't change my heart from wanting to comfort. I know that you are touching the hem daily. I love you GH, you know who you are. (You know that I am not good with words, so I hope you know what I was trying to say.)