Saturday, February 27, 2010

GOD speaks

This morning, as I clean up my kitchen from the hurricane that has been left behind from the week, although sweet Aunt Dee did her best to find my kitchen cabinets, I looked up and saw a book on the shelf that I was drawn to. I have started this book about 5 times, and never get far (I don't like to read), but this morning I took it off the shelf and opened it where my bookmark was. The first title that I saw at the top of the page was:

WHY does GOD say no?

So, I will share a few lines from Get Off Your Knees and Pray from Shelia Walsh

One of the greatest mysteries- and challenges-of our relationship with God in prayer is knowing he is both loving and powerful. If God were just loving, then when our prayers were unanswered we'd make peace with it- telling ourselves if he were powerful he would have intervened. If he were powerful but not loving, we would assume him indifferent to our pain.

But that is not who God is. Not only does he love us with a passion that exceeds our understanding, but God is also powerful enough to intervene at any moment and change our circumstances. And sometimes he does that. But more often, he does not. The question is why?

How do you continue to love and worship the one who could have saved the life of your child and did not?

Christ also lived through his father saying no.

Our Savior was fully man, and he suffered as a man would (although without sinning).

But Jesus also knew that even when God was telling him no, he was still with him.

Why does God sometimes say no to our prayers? As I'm sure you realize, I don't have the answer to that question. No one does. BUT WHAT WE DO HAVE IS THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN WE KEEP PRAYING---WHEN WE MOVE BEYOND "WHY?" TO "BE WITH ME, LORD"-- we begin to learn more about our faith and our strength in our Father. Confronting God with our why becomes being with God in our need. He is there when we need him. Always. He might not answer our prayers as we would like, but he will be there to HOLD US IN OUR TRIALS!

capitalization by me, not Shelia Walsh.

Thank you Lord for speaking to me this morning, as our husbands, David and Stacey, just finished running a 10k for Jenny that had been on the calendar for over a month. Before any sickness, before any death. "Be with me, Lord" as we start another day without our Jenny and see the bright sun overhead. Be with me, Lord as I strive to be the best mommy and wife today, a day that I would really like to just crawl back into the covers and sleep until I awake from this nightmare. Be with me, Lord, as I learn my new role as a loving friend to a family who is so full of sorrow and hope. Be with me, Lord, as you show me to be BOLD in my walk of faith.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Kind of Part 2, in texts

I thought I would recreate the TEXT scene even on February 4th.
9:42 am Stacey: Jenny's in the hospital, ICU @ Baylor. She has pneumonia! Just go this from David in a text.
9:43am Me: OH NO! What can I do?
9:44am Stacey: Yea, David said the doc said she would be much better in a few hours once the meds kick in

11:50 Me: STP just tole me that it was worse than they thought!!! What can I do? My heart is aching for you and her. I thought the meds were working
11:50 David: not worse than they thought, worse than I thought

11:59am Jami Henderson: I heard jenny was put in the hospital!!! PLEASE keep me updated.

12:27 pm STP: Diagnosis is "SEVERE SEPSIS" Not real sure what that is though.

12:27ME: ICU!! How did you find out?
12:32 Jami: Sandy saw it on Bev's facebook

1:04 pm STP: CALL ME
(I think this is where things really started becoming known to the doctors at this point, so STP went to the hospital and is keeping me updated since I was at preschool.)

1:44pm David: Basically, Jenny has such severe pneumonia that she has sepsis. Not sure how to define it. Google it. For the first time she is resting somewhat. Her heart rate is still 140 blood pressure is very low. She is on breathing apparatus. The doctor should be in at 2:30.
WE ALL NEED TO PRAY that her body and meds will clear her of the junk. Thks.

2:46 pm ME: you know about Jenny, right?
2:48 Kim Q: stephanie know?
2:49 ME: I just called her
2:50 KimQ: Praise God.
2:48 KIMQ: ON the phone with Joel. He is telling me everything HIDEOUS!!! I am praying hard.
2:53 ME: On my way as soon as I drop Bowden off at Kimberly's house
2:55 KIMq: Thank GOD! I am going right after work!...

4:27pm ME: Things are not good here. Is E okay with you a bit longer?
4:28pm Candace: Leave her here as long as you need to
(Emaline had gone on a playdate with her friend Christopher)
4:28pm ME: thank you so much
4:29 Candace: you're welcome. I am praying for Jenny.

4:30pm Me: Kimberly, things are not good here. Are the boys okay a bit longer or does STP need to come get them, he is with me
4:31pm Kimberly Blake: Girl, we are fine. Stay as long as you need. I am praying for you.
4:32pm Me: I know Olivia has dance! If my MIL needs to come please let me know.
4:33 pm Kimberly: Mine is already on the way. Don't worry about us

4:24 Me: THis is very serious. I know you knew that but really jenny said if it would have been one More day she wouldn't have made it! She is really sick doctors in with now
4:36 Jami: OH NO! I'm praying so hard! Keep me posted!
5:43pm Me: I'll call u in a bit. They just removed a quart and half from AROUND the lung!
5:44pm Jami: Holy COW!!! OK.

5:33pm Kimberly Holmes: Blake just told me about Jenny. We are praying. What is the status? What can I do?
5:33pm ME: not good
5:39pm ME: blood pressure 79 over 40 at one point. THey just took off a quart and a half from around the lungs! One lung is full and second is 3/4's full. She is very sick.
5:45 ME: heart rate 140
5:47 HOLMES: Dear Lord. We are praying. On the phone with TIFF, she is praying. Where is she?
5:47 ME: Baylor Grapevine ICU
5:49 HOLMES: does she also have pneumonia
5:49 ME: yes
5:51 HOLMES: Caisson said it is very serious but she can survive. It really works in her favor to be young and 31 and by most standards healthy. She will have to fight! we will pray. Keep me updated. Caisson said this is the type of thing you see in sickly 80 year old people.
6:25 me: heart rate 135 blood press 82/42
6:25 HOLMES: at least going in right direction

4:25 ME: we overheard drs and it isn't good
6:25 ME: heart rate 135 blood pressure 82/42
6:40 Stephanie: is that good
6:41 me: not really that hart rate is like stacey's running rate
6:42 Stephanie: how late are visiting hours

Somewhere here we leave. I go get the boys. Stacey goes to get Malaya and Emaline. We return home to get everyone in bed and for Stacey to head back up.

8:03 ANGIE: any changes

8:29 ME: any new stuff
9:30 David: she is having a tough time
9:32 ME: awe man. We r watching dog in a big pallet next up american Idol.What was her blood oxygen? any better
9:34 David: I will things are kind of touch and go. They just called in another doctor. Jenny is fighting. I am so proud of her. There are 5 nurses with her.

10:00 BLAKE: OH Paige!Is it alright if I put her on our churches prayer chain? I'll have Shara send it in since she knows her...I am so sorry!

10:04 Jami: praying!!! PLEASE keep me posted no matter what time it is. Can't stop thinking about it!

10:11 Amy Skrovan: My goodness Paige. My heart is just breaking for her, her family, sweet Malaya and everyone who loves her. We r praying. Have they said if she can fight this?
10:12 ME: hoping the VENT will allow her body to rest and fight at the same time.
10:14 AMY: Did they ever say if it was the am--? Can't remember the name.
10:15 ME: MRSA? staph
10:16 AMY: is it that?

10:20 HOLMES: Keep us posted. We are praying for her and David and Malaya.

10:35 David: Thanks for your prayers for Jenny. This has been a hard day. As we end the night, Jenny is currently sedated. THey have inserted a breathing ventilator. They also inserted an ART line to monitor her blood pressure. They have put in a draning tue in her chest cavity.They have drained about 1500 ML of fluid. She is still critical and not out of the woods yet. But she is in good hands. The octors and nurses hae been incredible please keep praying for healing. I honest never would gave belived anyone that my jenny was this sick. I will keep u updated as we go.

10:41 Jami: I am literally sick to my stomach just htinking about all of this!
10:45ME: love you
10:46 Jami: just another reminder of how fragile life is and how I take things for granted and stress too much over unimportant things!!! Love you! Give Malaya a hug!

10:46 HOLMES: Please tell him his prayer requests have been sent to the north, south, east, and west. We will cover her in pryares tonight. Be strong Paige- She needs you right now. Let us know of anything we can do. I can watch your kids tomorrow if needed. Just bring them over. I have everything you need.
10:53pm ME: THank you my mom was already coming tomorrow so that is working out great. STP just texted he will be at hospital longer she is really struggling.
10:54 HOLMES: OH MY WORD! I can't believe this!

10:49 Stacey: I may be here a while longer. She is struggling.
10:52 ME: Ok. me and Malaya are watching TV. Others are alseep on couch with us.
(BTW, we never let our kids stay up that late, or fall sleep on the couch that late, but the kids did not have school on Friday! Don't judge)
10:52 Stacey: Awesome, just continue to bless that sweet child!
10:54 ME: We just prayed for her mommy. Generically of course.
11:14 Stacey: PUT IT ON FB NOW, she needs massive prayers!

11:24 HOLMES: just sent prayer request to church email

11:23pm ME: I did, What is up, anything new?
11:25pm Stacey: night doc not near as hopeful for her surviving

11:24pm HOLMES: grapevine church
11:25pm Candace: Prayers being lifted

11:27pm ME: STACEY! OH MY WORD! What in the world!??
11:27 pm Stacey: i know.
11:28 Stacey: my battery is almost out

11:31pm Jami: WHAT?!?!?! NO! So not sleeping tonight. Just going to pray!!
11:33pm LANE ladewig: WHAT? i thought that worry was behind them? Did she take a turn for the worse?
11:43pm ME to JAMI: I'm just shocked! THey almost lost her!
11:44pm Jami: did they have to shock her?
11:53 pm ME: no just her bp was crazy and the nurses told bev they almost lost her
11:55pm Jami: So scary. Is Stacey staying the night?
12:36 AM ME: so far yes. Lane and Joel are there as well as beverly, and maybe barbie
12:37 AM Jami: good. Seriously keep me updated if anything changes. Love you. Stay strong.

WOW. That brings so many emotions back. Of course there were NUMEROUS calls during that time checking in on her back and forth, but I wanted to document the day best I could. CRAZY! THe next text is from 6:00 am. Gotta go make lunch for my lovies.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sweet Jenny

I have another post I was working on last Wednesday, after they amputated her legs, but it just doesn't feel right to publish it. So, I won't. Instead I want to share more about my friend.

Jenny and I went to Abilene Christian University together. She was a young chick, and she pledged under me. I remember NUNU ROSS. So sweet. She liked to tell a story about pledging when she and another Nunu were walking and complaining about pledging when I walked up behind them. I had heard their grumblings, but she said that I looked at them in calm voice and said, "Didn't you know you would have to dress this way before you pledged, didn't you know you would have to pledge this long, so why are you complaining, make the best of it." Confession, I don't remember that at all, but she did.

2003, Stacey and I were attending Lake Cities Church of Christ when they were in search of a new preacher. Rick Ross came to try out, and Jenny, David, and Malaya came to support him. We reconnected. They drove from Mesquite to Trophy Club every weekend, then eventually moved to Keller. We lived in Corinth at the time, driving to Trophy Club for church and to Keller for about everything else, because that is where our friends lived. I vividly remember the Biz family bringing dinner to us just days after Parker was born, with Jenny listening to me as I moaned and groaned about delivering a 9lb 13oz baby! Malaya was bigger if I remember. She was so calm and a great listener. I remember us driving to Granbury to a drive in theater. That was fun. We soon moved to Keller, in their same neighborhood.

We lived life together. She was who I called when I went into labor with Emaline during the night. She came over and stayed with my kids until Stacey's aunt and grandmother got there. She also kept Emaline 2 days a week so that I could work at preschool. There wasn't room for Emaline in the preschool nursery at the time, so they got to hang out on those days. She was a wonderful friend.

I cried with her during her infertility. Cried. Hurt. Screamed. She needed more babies. She longed for more babies. She loved them so, and was SUCH a wonderful parent. I would get angry when others got pregnant, even hesitate to tell her I was prego. She was the first that knew I was pregnant with Bowden. Even before Stacey. I was so in shock. I hated to tell her though. We hadn't planned it. It just happened. I totally understood she was happy for me, she didn't want my baby, she wanted her OWN baby. She taught me so much. There were times when we would discuss parenting. One of the most recent was talking about body types. She helped me understand a bit more about a strong willed child, like Malaya. I am so glad she is.

We got up at 5:30 3 times a week for a month to go to boot camp. That only lasted 1 month! :) We joined the same gym and attempted to go at the same time, but that didn't always work out. I loved the ZUMBA class, but she almost passed out. She was next to us when I backed over a BMW after gym one day. Nice.

My favorite times were Friday or Saturday nights with the Biz family. We tried to go out as often as possible with each other on the weekends. Cheddars was convenient. That was our place. I love to cook, so when I had extra, I would always invite them over. They loved my lasanga. One night she brought dessert. It was the greatest ice cream bar known to man. I couldn't believe all she brought. EVERY topping you would ever want. Malaya BEAMED as she laid out all of our choices. You could tell the Malaya and Jenny had so much fun picking out all those toppings.

Most recent Jenny and I took the girls to see the Frog and the Princess. Then we went to Jason's Deli after Freebirds was too busy. Then we went to their house to just hang out. What we did best. Our kids play so well together. Parker and Emaline adore Malaya. The like to sing for us. I think the boys were watching the Mavs game, and Jenny and I were sitting side by side playing on the computer. I was showing her some digital scrapbook stuff and she LOVED one set and said it inspired her to redo Malaya's room. Which maybe for her M's birthday, I can make that happen, if she wants. Then we started talking about church. She asked about the Sunday that we now refer to me as "Pastor Paige". So we found it online and listened to it. She listened so intently. Afterwards, she looked right in my eyes and said, "I am so proud of you." I will cherish it always. She was proud that I spoke about my faith to others, and how I had grown.

She taught me so much about walking with Jesus. SO MUCH. She is still teaching me. Below is a comment I found on my blog from 2005, I think. WOW! I needed those words right this very minute.

I am so sorry you are hurting! But you are soo right, God does so much work through our pain. I don't understand and never will but it is truth. He knows what places to take us and how to take us there to get our utmost attention. God WILL use you! Your example will be His witness. I am praying for your perseverence and your focus and for Satan to keep his lousy rear out of your business:)

SERIOUSLY! JENNY BIZ is teaching me right now. I will talk about yesterday, but not yet.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Parker's birthday

HAPPY 6th birthday my sweet boy! I can't wait to really celebrate, but today was so fun!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

not part 2

I don't have part 2 in me. I just don't. What I do have are photographs of my amazing, courageous, GODLY, friend. She always makes me want to be better. A better everything.

This one is my absolute favorite of ALL time. It is a few years old, and I was just getting started in the photography world, but I love this photo. I can't wait to photograph her again, catching her spirit to share with others. I think we need to look into, just saying. This girl is going to have a lot to say, and everyone is going to want to listen! I love you Jenny Biz.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Jenny

Yes, she is my Jenny. I am proud to call her my friend. Most of my faithful readers know her too. You can claim her as well. I have so much going through my mind right now. The last week has been so very crazy. I haven't documented this one bit, but I wanted to give you a small summary of the past week.

On January 30th, my husband surprised me with a dinner with close friends for my birthday. When everyone started to show up, he told me that Jenny and David could not come because she didn't feel good. Awe man. We texted and she wrote me some wonderful know like I was the best friend in the universe, she hated to miss it, she loved me, she was going to give me a million dollars, stuff like that. I told her I hoped she got to feeling better.

On Monday, she wrote on her Facebook that she has the flu! Stink.

On my actual birthday, which was last Wednesday, I received a text at 5:30 am, not just one text, but 3. I picked up my phone and it was Jenny wishing me a happy birthday telling me she couldn't wait to celebrate. I wrote her back and asked her WHAT IN THE WORLD are you doing awake at this time of day. She informed me that she had 104 fever and couldn't sleep. I started offering everything in the world. I could bring her soup, cook her something, need medicine.... all through the day. I was in Grapevine at one point and offered La Madeline! I mean come on, this shows how sick she was, she turned it down! At 11:00 she sent out a massive text, requesting prayers. Her fever had gotten up to 105. She was sick of being sick. She wanted to feel better. She asked all of us to pray. DONE. At 2:00 she sent out a text of praise, the fever had broken. I wrote her back and told her I was so glad she felt better.

Thursday morning, I received a phone call from my husband letting me know that David had taken her to the hospital. I said okay, keep me updated since I was at preschool. My wonderful co-teacher even at that very minute told me to go up there. No worries. I told her I would go after school. By the end of school, I had heard the words ICU. I did my car pool, and asked the girl I do it with if she would watch the kids for me so I could go see my friend who was in the hospital. She is so sweet. She said absolutely. Stacey told me exactly where to go in the hospital. He had already been there. I walked in, and never even put my purse down. I walked straight in and walked to my friend. Those next moments are in my heart for ever.
As I looked at her, stroking her head, wiping it with a cold rag, I knew it was bad. Very bad. I talked to Jenny about General Hospital, our thing. We have always watched it, but confession, I haven't watched it since before Christmas faithfully, and haven't even seen it in a month, but that is what we always did. So that is what I talked to her about. I talked to her about Stacey buying me running shoes so that I could start running to catch up with him. I told her that she had to get out of that bed so we could fun in all these 5 k's together with our husbands. She needed to train me because she does bootcamp 3-4 times a day.

In the room they were discussing what they knew at that time, which were her lungs were full of fluid, all but 1/3 of one. There was other fluid outside the lungs that they were going to drain. We talked. She told me what she wanted from her house. I even looked at her once and said, "girl! You do NOT need your beauticontrol face cleanser!" But of course I brought it to her. Jenny and David asked me to go get Malaya, and if she could spend the night. ABSOLUTELY! But I wasn't going anywhere right then.

to be continued....

kind of sounds pioneerish, huh? Just not as funny. Nothing this week has been funny, well, almost nothing.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

The Sweetest thing

My name is Malaya Bizaillion. Please pray for my mom.

Friday, February 05, 2010

My friend Jenny

Parker's first birthday
a fun photo shoot for Malaya
Emaline's first birthday
Emaline's birth
Bowden's first birthday
Jenny's birthday a few years ago.

Please pray for Jenny. The past 24 hours have been the craziest I can remember. She is a fighter. She is amazing. She is my FRIEND! You can read about her story here.
We met at ACU, then reconnected about 6-7 years ago. Since then, many things have happened in our lives, but none like right now. THE MOST UNSELFISH PERSON I KNOW. She has held babies, held my hand, prayed for me, and most recently, told me how proud she was of me. She is fighting for her life. I don't want to take ONE STEP with out her here on earth, NOT ONE! YOU PRAY that she will continue to fight, that her organs will respond to all of the medicine and dialysis. Her sweet little 9 year old girl needs her mommy. NEEDS HER MOMMY! Satan YOU GET OUT OF THIS! GET OUT!

Thursday, February 04, 2010


Please pray for my friend Jenny Bizaillion. She is really struggling for her life right now. Pray for her husband and her daughter, her parents, and the doctors and nurses that are caring for her. Jenny is a long life friend. We have walked down many roads together, some hard ones, some fun ones, and just plain roads. She is really sick.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Fort Worth Stock Show Parade

Well, this first photo isn't one from the stockshow parade, but found it in the same album and wanted to share. BOWDEN does this all the time now, he helps himself to snacks. Drives me crazy. I will need some child proofing!

Off to the parade. This is our second time to venture to the parade and we love it. We love seeing all the horses and the cowboys and the little cowboys. SO FUN!

We got there early and staked out a place on the route. We were actually in the street, but it had been closed due to the parade. Some crazy people had gotten there really early so this is where we sat. We did think ahead and brought the kids chairs and plenty of snacks and drinks, but forgot a heavier jacket for Emaline and a BLANKET! It was sooooo cold!
This is us waiting for the parade to start. Another family had joined close to us, see the 2 kids beside mine, it started out real nice. Then turned bad when more of their family joined them.

Emaline and Bowden waving to the cowboys and cowgirls as they came by. Notice the cramped quarters now? It only gets worse.This flag symbolizes the wind we were feeling on our face.
See this large man in the leather jacket? Between him and the HUGE family that is now pushing us out of view of the parade I was beginning to become unfestive.
Emaline happy at the beginning of the parade.

Emaline wanting to go home because she was a. cold and b. had not a view other than jeans and cowboy boots. See the boots all around B's stroller? I asked Stacey once if it would be okay for me to ask a few of those girls to step back because they were COMPLETELY standing right in front of his stroller. Remember, we were there first and early, and had chairs. This family didn't really seem to care who was where when. So Stacey kind of looked at me funny, as if to say that I needed to keep my mouth shut, these kids weren't my students or family so I needed to be quiet when the lady to my left said: IF YOU DON'T I AM! How sweet! She had noticed that I had control of my children asking them to move back even if they couldn't see because the family next to us almost had an entry number if they had moved any closer to the parade. The stranger had noticed they were walking all over B and he couldn't see and was beginning to get very frustrated. In fact, at one point he started kicking one of the girls because they pressed right up against his stroller and she turned and gave me a dirty look. Really? I was cold, and don't mess with my kids! You hear me girl!? I politely leaned forward, tapped the young girl on the arm and asked her to please move over. Grandma saw the commotion and pretending to get on to them, when I could SOOOO tell it was just for show, this is what she meant: Hey, stand where you want, but not in front of the baby until you can't see through the man in the huge leather jacket without kids who keeps jumping over the kids to get a great shot of a horse, or 2 horses, or of a hundred horses, just don't let the strange lady touch you again so please stand further in front of the stroller out of reach.

After we saw a guy dressed as a girl, wearing girl clothes, wearing lots of makeup, who was part of a high school band in the capacity of a high kicker/baton person, we left. We called it a day. It was disturbing! And yes, we KNOW It was a guy.