Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Beautiful Lord

When the storm is raging all around me,
you are the peace that calms my troubled sea...

You are the light that shines and shows me the way...

On the cross you showed your love for me...

awesome and mighty...

BEAUTIFUL LORD...

tender and holy....

Today was a tough day...REALLY...every day has been tough. JUST SICK! I am the only thing that can change. I can allow the Lord and HOLY SPIRIT to just live in me... LIVE IN ME LORD!
Help me when the kids are screaming....when I mess dinner up...when I excuse me (SUCK) at customer service in my business. I NEVER USE THAT WORD. But that is the word feels MOST appropriate. Forgive me Husband, for being testy. Forgive me kids. Forgive me friends. I am having a hard time dealing right now. I can't remember anything.

The words above that aren't my ranting and inappropriate use of language are from the song Beautiful Lord. I put it on my playlist after Jenny got sick and my cousin Susan made a playlist for Jenny on her blog. I had Stacey put it on my Ipod. That is what I have been listening to recently when I run. Today, I just skipped ahead of all the songs that I normally listen and to the ones that I never get to....hit play and started running. About 5 or 6 steps into it...the tears came. Maybe I should back up and say that my kids were....crazy until Stacey got home...even after Stacey got home. We sat down and began eating....he knew. I had already told him how my afternoon was (after our sweet playdate left, really, the kids were angels when he had company, she left and life fell apart). I had told him I wanted to go for a run. He looked at me and said these beautiful words:
Go get ready for you run, I will take the kids to the park. You come home, shower and go to bed!

Oh, how I have a beautiful husband.

Back to my run, 5 or 6 steps into it, the tears came. I just kept thinking about my friend, in that hospital bed, listening to me say I had gotten new running shoes so we could train together and run with our husbands. She agreed. We talked. She showed me with her fingers, us running. Absolutely. More tears. Then words would come on my ipod, I would raise my hands in praise, yes on Trophy Club Drive! People must think I am crazy. Then I would cry, then I would praise and smile....It was so emotional. I got close to my 1 mile, which I usually plan to stop RIGHT at 1 mile, then I heard my sweet cousin Gwen Ann (Gwenie) in my ear. I saw her yesterday at my great aunt's funeral, and she was telling me that the first mile is the hardest. So, I looked at my NIKE watch, saw the 1.00 and kept running. I kept singing...kept crying.... remembered what her fingers looked like...remembered what it was like to stand by her bed....what it felt like to witness each miracle...what her hair looked like in her Spice Girls pig tails...how she turned her head to me and our "moment". I ran....I finished strong! Then I walked home....listened to the music on my ipod. Listened to the words, which is different for me... Beautiful Lord came on...I held my hands up high, smiled, and sang OUT LOUD! Thank you Lord for being beautiful! For being faithful, even when I am tired, when I don't get it, when I just want to sleep.... Thank you for being faithful, for loving me, Thank you Lord for Stacey. Who is learning how to handle me, all over again, the new and different, injured me. Who is being patient. Thank you Lord....

16 comments:

Rachel said...

i don't really have words...just came to check out your blog again. this post touched my soul. praying always for peace and joy.

Susan @ Blessed Assurances said...

I LOVE IT & AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Today has been rough for us both and I find myself referring back to the Jenny playlist often today. I am so thankful for our husbands who know how to love and comfort their wives. We are blessed!!! Keep running to HIM in the storm, He is our shelter!

Jaclyn said...

i don't know you, i didn't know jenny, but i somehow found you and i am so very glad i did. I just wanted you to know how much your posts touch me ad how your faith inspires me. I am praying for you, i can't even imagine how difficult this last month has been for you.

v said...

Paige - Press on to the goal! One day it is going to be better. Be patient with yourself. You are injured. Give yourself time to work through your grief. Thankfully, we have a gracious God who will soften your pain and help you in this process of healing. Look for the rainbow, Paige, you will see it again.

Margaret K said...

Praying for your pain to soften and for each day to become a bit more bearable.

Stacey said...

i love you because you love me. that will not change, even if the days are good or if the days are bad! Your my best friend and lover! i will always be here for you! we will walk this together, hand in hand (with screaming crazy kids also :))

1literatimommy said...

Thinking of you today.

Molly Woodall said...

Paige...I wish you wer here so I could give you a big ol' NE Texas hug. Grief has no time line... our hearts get so filled with our family, our friends...we just have to grieve!
So, cry Baby Girl...holler if that helps!
Love you!

McFarland Family said...

Hi Jenny,
My name is Lesley McFarland. I am a friend of Tammie Shelton. To be honest I have been following your blog for a looooong time. I am so sorry about your friend. You are so strong!! You are in my prayers:)

Doug said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug said...

I am so proud of you!! Work through the pain you will be surprised where you end up. I've been praying for you daily and will continue.

Bridgette
(p.s. I figured out how to post now if I can figure out how to get my husbands name off. . .it would be perfect. I guess one step at a time, baby steps.-- which is the same for you).

Jodi said...

My hurt is so big for you. Rach and I were just talking about it yesterday (while she laid out next to a snowman)... how we HURT for YOU. I am just so sorry for your hurt. But I am AMAZED at your strength and faith. AMAZED. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Love you, friend. It was SO good to hug you last week, and I look forward to our next one. :)

Rachel said...

Love you, Paige! You are on my heart so much these days, and I will keep praying.

Three Two Hold One Lost said...

Paige, I love you. I miss you. I get what you feel in a way that only I can understand. Proud of you in a loving, Godly way. Not a worldly way of pride because of the running success. You are such a real mom and friend. Angela

Steph said...

I love this Paige! I love reading your blog! Matt and I read it a few weeks back when you posted about your comments to Jenny on her FB page and talked about running for Jenny. We both loved it all! Regarding your comment on my Blog about Amanda, you are so right! I will cherish every minute and the day of Jenny's funeral I called Amanda thinking of her....she is precious! Your love for sweet Jenny reminds me of sweet friend Amanda! I am thinking of you, praying for you and although you and I have not had the chance to get to know one another, rest assured that in addition to Amanda telling me great things about you, I think Jenny was so very lucky to have a friend like you! You must be so excited for the day that Jesus returns to get us so you can see her again! See you in a few weeks at the golf tournament!

amg said...

Sweet Paige. I found your blog through Stephanie's page today. Well...I'm almost speechless. You moved me so much. I guess I just want you to know that I have had you in my heart. You always were and still are an amazing person. I knew that the first time I met you. Your family is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so transparent. This past year has been a difficult one for me due to the loss of a dear family friend and his son. Only the Lord has been able to reach those most tender spots that needed healing. And I'm realizing, like you, that I am different now. I will be praying for you. Love you always.

Amanda