Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Anguish- Joy February 8th

To tell you that this week has been easy, that my house has been on it's luxury cruise auto pilot, that my husband and I have communicating well, well.... I would be lying. This week has been a tough one. My bed times have been early, and I'm talking 9ish when I usually stay up to around midnight. My body has just been shutting down. I haven't been watching tv, I haven't opened my computer-(except last night to look for boots, and if you are on FB you know that one), I have just closed my eyes and gone to bed around 8:30 or 9, MAYBE 9:45 at the absolute latest. I have been exhausted. I think mentally I am trying to cope with so much that my body has just said ENOUGH! So I have listened. I have put the kids to bed early or Stacey has and I have retreated. AND It is quite possibly to have prepared me for today.

Today was Women's bible class. We are studying James by Beth Moore. We are in week 2. I did my lessons this week and there was a lot of work. Worth it, but heavy. The text- James 1:4-18. There were some things in her study this week that I underlined, even starred! One that I loved was " A lifetime of snuggling up to folks with scissor-hands scars you, but those scars become a road map that leads straight to Jesus." OH how I loved that! Another place she planted for a bit this week was about God's gifts. I likes this: God's gifts are given with goals. They're perfect because they're perfecting. They don't just give today. They give toward every tomorrow." She had us break down our lives into quarters and list our good and perfect gifts God has poured into our lives. I had to intentionally not put down those things that defined the quarters of my life. INTENTIONALLY! What I did instead, was focus on the gifts, the JOY that came from each of those heart wrenching events. It was a great exercise for my mind and my heart. Then she asks this question: Are these examples stirring up thoughts toward a few more of your God given good or perfect gifts? If so, boldly list them.

That got me thinking... SO all that was this past week. TODAY at bible class what were the 2 words she camped on........ JOY and ANGUISH from John 16:20-24. I am going to jot down some things she seared on my heart today so buckle up!


"anguish" is often used to convey the added element of MENTAL DISTRESS. (oh really! So that is where I have been the past 2 years!)

Pain + anxiety= anguish

Suffering + dread= anguish

In greek "to crush, press, compress, squeezed from a great weight. It is used to denotre grievous physical affliction, or mental and spiritual distress.

1. Anguish and joy can coexist

(A friend and I were chatting after the video- chatting, well, I was a crying mess and we were putting it all together.... a great example of this was Jenny's funeral! Don't you agree? Oh the JOY that Jenny was in heaven! That we serve a MIGHTY GOD!, but the anguish we were left here on this earth with OUT HER!! That a husband and daughter were missing their piece of the puzzle! That a mommy and daddy didn't have their first born! Oh the anguish! BUT OH the joy! It can coexist!)

2. Anguish and Joy can trade places


3. The source of anguish can morph into joy

(Your grief will turn into joy! it will convert or change)

4. Mental anguish can be like the mind in LABOR

(People, this is where it hits me. This is what she says: the Hebrew hiyl- "to turn into a circle, twist, revolce; to writhe, travail (in childbirth) bear a child... The main idea is that of writhing in pain, which suffering torment, ... experiencing anguish or distress." PEOPLE! Beth says.... HE will take your pain and turn it into a passion, that we all need a purpose. Stay with me...)

5. Anguish is meant to lead to a birth (John 16:20-22)

(SERIOUSLY! Can you see me? I mean can you really see me? Have you seen this birth take place? We aren't holding that baby yet... the labor is still in process and we aren't sure what this baby will look like but I can tell you it isn't one that I wanted! I get this process is what makes us stronger, towards maturity, to the kingdom, I get it! Perseverance. Endurance. I didn't want to walk this with David, I didn't want to walk this with Jennifer, I didn't want to walk this with Shanna, but I am. I am praying, and like Beth said, we all need a purpose. Is my purpose to walk on earth with those who are grieving? David seems to think so, and I have had another friend mention it as well, then today this lesson! I cried through the entire video. I was a mess. I kept thinking about my friend and the pain that all that loved her have gone through. Their anguish-- what JOY will come? I've heard Beverly say that she has become a grief expert, but she didn't really want to be one. Ya, think? I can't imagine anyone wishing to lose a child, so that God could use them to help others grieve. Now, God uses this anguish, this pain, and transforms us... puts us through labor, sometimes you can feel that contraction coming, other times it hits you like a ton of bricks. I embraced the song long ago- Greater things are yet to come! AND, I don't think for a minute that satan isn't ready as well. Ready to make me doubt. Put me on edge. Throw my cruise ship on a course to destruction. My head is up people. Ready to be filled with JOY and let the 2 coexist a little longer, ready for it to morph, ready for them to trade places, and ready for this labor to be OVER! Can I get an AMEN?

Then I look at the blog from last year. You know what happened this date 2 years ago? It was the marathon night. Of course it would be today, the day where until that day I had never felt the Lord's presence like I did in that hospital. Never. It was that day, I trusted. I prayed liked I had not before, even OUTLOUD and BOLD! Today, 2 years ago began my transformation, my Holy Spirit moment. I know you remember where you were 2 years ago, glued to Carepages and to Facebook!

If this even comes close to sounding like something you need to hear, please go to and spend the $5 to see the video. It is session 3. I made the last bit a live link to the website. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it. It WILL bless you!!!! And might make my rambling a bit easier to understand!

In case you forgot what it was like 2 years go, here is the blog:

February 8, 2010 Monday

Buckle your seat belt and put on a pot of coffee! It took me over an hour to write this post. This night I witnessed miracles! This night I learned so much about my spiritual walk. SO many of you are apart of this journey. I know it may get hard trying to follow all the times and who sent what, but don't let that stop you from this day in history. Many of us still talk about this night.

Here we go:
I did it. I got up this morning and got my kids ready, got Malaya read, and Stacey did carpool or Kimberly, can't remember that point, but I took Malaya to school. AND we were on time. My mom came over to watch my kids.

8:41 am Stacey: A doctor came by and said her feet don't look good. God can do a miracle.

Carepages 10:00

We are extrememly grateful for technology. The Lord has been singing over Jenny and her nurses 24-7 thanks to a ihome. We have claimed "Mighty to Save" as our anthem throughout this experience.
There are 3 specific prayer requests today:
1) Her heart needs to be able to sustain her blood pressure ON HER OWN! This is critical and it is the #1 need today. Jenny has got to get off blood pressure meds. It is crucial.
2) Her liver is not functioning right now and we need it to function.
3) Her kidneys are not functioning and we need to begin to function. The dialysis is like a fake kidney.
Thanks for praying today, and let's believe for great things.

12:14 pm Linda (MIL) If you want, Jim and I can keep the kids for you tonight after we get home from work so you can be at the hospital.

12:00 Care pages
Please look at the 10:00am update this morning for specific prayer requests.
Around 11:00 they wanted to see if Jenny would wake up and respond to a few commands. David, Beverly, Rick, Jonathan, Josh and Kayci were with Jenny along with a nurse. We were asking Jenny to do two things: 1) lift her eyebrows, and 2) move her hands. When she moved her eyebrows we wanted to throw a party. It was like it was Christmas morning or like the Cowboys had won the Super Bowl (hey, it could happen). Then, she began to lift her left arm. We couldn't control ourselves.
This only lasted a few moments because they wanted to put her under again because she needs the rest and she needs the machines to breathe for her right now. But to interact with Jenny like this was enough to sustain us for a few hours.

12:23 Me: She moved eyebrows!

12:37 pm David: PRAY!!!

12:40 pm Stacey: Blood pressure is very low! Pray Pray Pray!!!

12:43 pm Amy S.: Julie is contributing to tonight's dinner with a salad and bread.
12:44 pm Me: PRAY! NOT GOOD!
12:46 pm Amy S.: OH NO! Praying right now!
12:49 pm Me: ASK EVERYONE!

1:01 pm David: still working on her. She is rebounding.
I forward that out to my girls, and this!
1:24 Me: stable.
Julie B: I am praying for her Paige
Kelli L. Still praying. Reese said that is a long prayer. Thanks for the update.
Kim H.: Breathe deep. Slow. Be strong. Be courageous. Be patient. She needs you. Malaya needs you. We are praying for you too. God is in control. He is able.

1:28 Carepages:

The past 15 minutes have been brutal for Jenny and the family. Jenny's blood pressure has dropped significantly! Doctors are doing everything to stabilize! Pray right now! Pray hard! Ask God to cast out the sickness in the name of Jesus and heal Jenny! Ask God to increase her blood pressure right now! I will update as soon as I hear from family. They are all back there. Pray!!!

1:43 pm Stephanie: I'm taking my ph2 class, pls update
Me: She is stable.

1:58 pm Angie: Did you hear BP came back up?
2:05 pm Me: Yes! I am w Bev at a hotel for her to shower. So she was ok to leave after all that, so I feel better.


This is a roller coaster and some might say it is too emotionally draining to update this often or with so much detail. But this is what the family wants. If we think it is hard on us...imagine how it is for them!

Jenny's blood pressure is going back up! Slowly. But it is going back up!!!

I have a theory as to why that might be:

- 3 doctors working on her right now.
- 7 nurses working on her right now.
- 2500 people in the CarePage loop praying for her right now.
- Thousands more praying for Jenny around the world.
- The Great Physician being The Great Physician!

Keep praying!!!

2:17 pm Me: Shara! Could you pick up Malaya possible? Not sure yet! I'm at a hotel with bev so she could shower. I have a bit of time be4
Shara: What time does she get out today?
Me: 3
Shara: YES! I will go get her. Do I need to bring her somewhere to meet you?

2:20 Carepages

Jenny is stable. They got control of her Blood Pressure (BP.) They gave her more BP meds.

This is good news!

So now we are back to the prayer request of:

- Get Jenny off of the BP meds without her BP dropping!

I'll keep you posted.

You keep praying!

Angie: R U at the hospital
Me: No

3:57 pm Kim q: pretty sure you already know. They started a blood transfusion.
3:59 pm Me: NO
Kim: OOHHH! I thought you were still there..dang it I wish we could all just go up there night and freaking day til she gets to go back to her Earthly HOME WHOLLY RESTORED

4:06pm Angie: blood transfusion good or bad

4:54 pm Kim q: The r not actually starting transfusion til 7 tonight... her brother thought they already did... dad confirmed 7 pm he we are already anointing the procedure! THX!

5:44 pm Stephanie: tonight at 7pm at hospital.
I have met with Stephanie every Monday night, or CLOSE for 7 years! Location has changed, some of the other members have changed, but the 2 of us have been through it. She is also very close to Jenny. SO, we had our meeting with Kelli AT the hospital.
5:44 pm Me: Stacey and I may take shifts. I will meet you at 7, I think!

6:13 pm Angela g: U can do this. Jenny needs u and u r giving her what she needs.

6:45 pm David: PRAY. She is having a complication. I do not know how serious.

To Stephanie
6:52 pm ME: Complications with blood transfusion! On my WAY!

Not sure here what is going on with me. I know MY GOAL was to keep things constant with the kids, especially Malaya. Stacey was at the hospital and I was doing kid stuff. I know I wrote ON MY WAY, but I wasn't or I wasn't there yet. My in-laws came over as soon as I got kids in bed and I went to hospital. Now, I feel as I need to explain before some of the next texts.... security has split up our large church, and we made satellite churches at different waiting rooms. The room I was in was just down from the main ICU waiting room, next to the elevators. This night, the Ladewigs, Quile's, Stephanie, Kelli Fletcher (can't remember is Scott was there), and me. Brian Markwood also arrived later. Did you notice I didn't mention Stacey? Stacey had an important role when he was at the hospital, he was David's shadow. Stacey didn't leave David's side. Stacey prayed for him, Stacey listened, Stacey helped... on Carepages... when it talked about immediate family, just go ahead and consider that Stacey was there too.

Carepages 7:42

Jenny's blood transfusion has just begun. Things are understandably tense. The immediate family is back in the room with Jenny. Pray. Please pray right now! I spoke with someone today who said when she gets these updates she turns off her TV or shuts her computer or silences her cell phone and just prays!

I would ask that we each do that right now. Stop whatever we are doing and just pray!

And if you could do one more thing...when you're done praying (you know what I mean...) please forward this site to someone else you think might be willing to join this army of prayer warriors! We have over 2500 prayer warriors at this point. How cool would it be to add 500 more and top 3000 by the time Jenny is finished with her blood transfusion?

Jesus, your blood given freely saves our spirit. May the blood that Jenny is receiving save her flesh! We claim your resurrection power!!!

7:46pm Carepages

Jenny is having complications with the blood transfusion. We do not know how serious. The doctor has been called in and he is in route.

7:51pm Stacey: Get the kids IN BED and you need to come!

7:52 pm Kimberly Blake: Hey, do you guys like chicken pot pie? I make a mean one :) I would like to bring your family dinner on Wednesday.I know you are tired and I want to make dinner. Easy to warm up if ya'll will be gone. Is that ok?

8:15 pm Jami: Just saw the latest care page... internal bleeding ?!?!?! What does this mean? Can they fix it?


8:22 pm Jessie: are you here!!!!
8:26 I send out a MASS text: Pray right now the internal bleeding is in the stomach!!! Since we know she has it we want it to be there! Gal bladder has poison too which they are going to drain.

8:27 pm TO Kimberly Blake: That would be great. Can't think past the next minute!
8:28 pm Kimberly Blake: I know girl. You stay strong!

8:33pm Carepages

Please pray that the doctor who can make the decisions that need to be made regarding the blood transfusion complications GET HERE (like physically drive and arrive) AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Please pray for him to arrive NOW!

More updates to follow as soon as I get 'em!

I completely remember this like it was yesterday. I remember praying, praying that the doctor would arrive! We all did.

8:58 pm Carepages

The good news is that the Doctor made it! The bad news is that Jenny has internal bleeding. This is reversible. They are giving her plasma. They are trying to determine where the bleeding is coming from. They are still moving forward with the blood transfusion (They have to at this point) Just keep praying!!! The family is really weary. Thank you for your prayers!

9:00 pm PRAY Check Carepages!!

9:03 pm Linda MIL: we cannot get internet to come up on our phones. What is happening?
9:04 pm Me: Emergency procedure EXTREMELY ROOM to drain gallbladder! With a needle. One slight miss and she will bleed....
Linda: We are praying!

9:09 pm Angie: Thinking of you and sending love to you!

9:17 Jessie: coming up
9:20 Me: very good idea

9:20 pm Me to Jessie: procedure started!

9:27 Carepages:
Prayer Warriors...we are truly in a race against time! They are trying to solve Jenny's internal bleeding. Pray that they can solve it quickly!

9:42 pm me to Stacey: How is David?
Stacey: Struggling. We're outside the ICU in the hall
Me: ok
Stacey: U, Okay?
Me: Yeah, Brian markwood is here keeping us entertained.
Stacey: good.
Me: Brian would like to come talk to David, okay?
Stacey: Not right now, their doing the procedure to check all that girl stuff now.

Girl stuff? Yep, that didn't get put out there. I remember Josh coming down to our 'church' and explaining they were going to have to check out some 'girl stuff' to see if the problems were coming from there, but to not put it on Facebook or Carepages. Stephanie and I immediately looked at each other and we each had the same thought! BABIES! Please Lord Jesus! When they are in there, just FIX what ever is there so that Jenny's womb would be fertile again! Clean out the pipes! I remember thinking... THE STORY! Of how she was able to get pregnant after this little investigation.

9:45 Carepages
Jenny will be going into an emergency procedure to drain her massively infected gall bladder within the next 20 minutes. The doctor's name is Dr. Long. She is driving from Keller. Pray she gets here quick. The surgery will take place in her room. It will be done with ultrasound and a needle. It is high, high risk! It must be done with pin point accuracy with a ton of variables in play! We are praying in the room as I type this and we are praying for the best surgery ever in the history of the world! We are begging God for a miracle! We are praying for super natural wisdom for Dr. Long! We are calling the healing and holiness of heaven and casting out the hurt and infection of hell! We are asking God to move a mountain! We are calling on our God who is mighty to save!!! Please, please, pray!!!

10:21pm Carepages

Dr. Long made it! Family can't be in the room. The moment is tense! Some feel confident. Some are so scared. God is there. God cares. God be with Jenny!

I'll keep you posted.

10:36 pm Jenise: Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and praying for you too!! and Stacey! Hang in there sweet friend. Sent you an email reply but thought you bight b too busy to check so I'm sending this too. Love you so much... wish I were there to help you!

10:38 Kimberly Holmes: Good news? Begging for good news!

Just got a thumbs up from the doctor!! That is all we know!

Kimberly: I'll take that any day!

11:21 pm Jami: I hate that this is such a rollercoaster of emotion- can't imagine how draining on you it must be! Just picking up my apartment, listening to Zoe, worshipping, and PRAYING/BEGGING/PLEADING!!! Love you!

11:30 pm Carepages

Apparently the gall bladder has gone from a 14 back to somewhere close to a 5. (5 is normal, but they didn't say the #5 and they didn't say normal) But here is the cool thing! 2 hours ago they were about to do a massively high risk procedure with a minimal chance of survival and now they have determined that it is not even needed! Keep praying!

Her main doctor wasn't here. We updated and we prayed and the doctor arrived within minutes!

We prayed for Dr. Long to get here and within minutes, she arrived.

We prayed for a successful surgery and they didn't even have to have surgery!

Keep praying!

Specifically for this:

- Doctors to have wisdom.
- To find the source of the internal bleeding.
- For Jenny to stay stable.
- For the blood transfusion to finish up strong!
- For the family who are absolutely worn out!

Keep praying!

PS: she started the blood transfusion with like 2500 members and I said it would be cool if we had 3000 members. We are 25 away! Wow!

11:33 Me to Jami: Thanks girl! Pray during the time they move her!

Jami: Will do! Not going to bed anytime soon.

I CAN'T LEAVE OFF HERE! I must go into the next day! It was ONE LONG DAY/NIGHT!

12:05 am Carepages:

I wonder how that big old nasty gall bladder just shrunk so significantly to a point where it didn't even need surgery while the doctor was driving from Keller to Grapevine? Hmmmmm? :)

12:06 I send out a mass text: MOVING HER NOW! PRAY!

12:10 Carepages:

After 3 docs examined Jenny for an hour, they still are not sure what is causing this new infection and the internal bleeding. The bleeding is better.
Here's the crucial thing right now. They want to do a CAT scan, but there are major risks, which is why they haven't done it yet. They want to do a full-blown scan...from the neck all the way down to the feet. They have to travel 3 floors and down 2 hallways. This is VERY, VERY RISKY!!! It is going to take an entire team to make this short trip...many doctors and nurses. If something goes wrong in a hallway or an elevator, it might be hard to control it.
PLEASE PRAY FOR A SAFE TRAVEL! We need Jenny to remain calm. We need her blood pressure to remain where it is. We need these doctors and nurses to guide her in peace.
They have found one spot and they are eager to find what it is. If the CAT scan reveals what it is, they will operate.
We know it is late, but stay tuned for more updates.
Keep on praying for the activity of God. We trust that he is moving.

12:42 pm I sent this out: Dav asked me to go back and talk to Jenny before they moved her. I did it! God gave me the strength! We are waiting right now to hear ANYTHING!

Remember, they didn't know if she would even MAKE it to the CAT scan! They had me come 'talk to her' in case she didn't. OF COURSE, her family got to go too! They all went before I was summoned. I remember Stacey coming around the corner into 'our church' and motioning with his head for me to come with him. During the LONG walk down the hall, he is preparing me, telling me what my job is, and that I can do it. I remember crying my eyes out during this walk. Looking at the floor, praying my heart out. I walked through the ICU waiting room and down the ICU hall, into her room and gave her my BEST pep talk ever, and i like Pep talks!

1:12 am I send out MASS text: She made the trip!! WHHOOHOOO! The boys were doing chest bumps! Waiting!

1:12 am Jami: YAY! Waiting right here with you!

1:16 am Kelli: AWESOME (They had gone home)

1:49 Carepages

It is a surreal scene. A remnant of family and friends gather and hold on tight to the most tangible thing left - prayer. We get silent. Smaller pockets of prayer break out. More silence. Praise music fills the room. Addison Road's What Do I Know of Holy is what captivates our heart at this moment. Beverly is ministering to another family in the room.

Jenny is down on the first floor under going a CAT Scan.

People are praying all over the world.

God is not asleep. He is not dead. He is very much alive.

We are waiting for Jenny to get back from the CAT Scan.

We'll let you know as soon as we can.

Kayci is dancing.

Angels are among us.

God is here.

2:08 am ME to everyone: No secondary infection! Pray as they wean meds! Pray for a kidney!

I sat in a different chair, in a different part of the room than I had every sat in before. It was so quiet now as many of the members had gone home and now we were a smaller congregation all in the ICU waiting room, but SO many were still on their computers hitting refresh!

2:19 Carepages:

You know something you almost never see in an ICU waiting room? Chest bumps! Seriously! Just saw some of that as friends and family celebrated the baby step of Jenny making it from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor, thru a CAT Scan and back to the 3rd floor again! Safely! The doctor said it was a "stress test for sure and she passed!"

Praise God!

We celebrate and...

We wait.

Wait with us and pray!

Keep praying!

We are going to follow the example of our brothers in Acts 16 and pray and praise our way out of this prison of pain and sickness!

We love you!

You love Jenny and you love Jesus!

We do too!

Josh Ross just said, "that was the coolest chest bump I've ever done!"


I remember driving home. I remember PRAISING THE LORD the whole way home. OUR GOD IS GOOD!

3:14 am Carepages

We leave this night with good news worth praising God for. After a smooth trip to get the CAT scan, we were informed by the docs that they were unable to discover another infection. Jenny's blood pressure is stable. An infection would have meant surgery tonight, and they did not want to have to do that because there are way too many risks with Jenny's present condition. So, no surgery, no foreign infection. Hallelujah, Praise God Almighty.
The goal tonight is to begin weaning her off blood pressure meds. She is on 3, and by the morning the doctor wants her off of 1. Then, we'll go after the 2nd one and then the 3rd. After that, we will continue to reverse everything as Jenny is weaned off all of the machines that she is on.
We are going to sleep. It is 2:00 and we are tired.
We love you all! There were so many updates tonight. We kept giving you specifics and you can't laying them before God. We marvel at God's willingness to speak into each one of those requests.
I will not post again until around 10:00am.

(There were 12 comments on Carepages from the 3-4 am time frame. So many walked this night with us)


Kelly said...

Praying you get glimpses of what this birth is looking like and can take peace in that. Love you!

Three Two Hold One Lost said...

Paige....what to say, hummm. So much I want to articulate but words won't surface, just emotions, agreement. I simply say to you AMEN. I love the song greater things, i cry to it, i cling to it. Paige, god wants us outside the box for him. You are there right where he wants you. Keep breathing through the contractions, enjoy the birth and do NOT fear.

Angela said...

Thanks for sharing Paige... I remember you sharing some of this with me last year. Interesting that we both know February 2010 so intimately. I'm thinking I might be needing some Beth Moore James action in the near future:)
Looking forward to seeing both of our "birth stories" unfold. It will be good!