It seems I have so much to catch up on on the ol' blog, but this keeps coming to my mind, so here it is.
Our ladies bible class has been working through a book on your thought closet, called Me, Myself, and Lies. I had a hard time getting into this study. I kind of felt like I was cheating on Beth Moore. I so enjoy her studies, and this one isn't a Beth Moore, so I was kind of resisting what the Lord wanted to chat with me about. Here it is, kind of, the best I know how to share it... please remember I put stuff out there because it is on my heart. I try to be real. I just might come back tomorrow and delete this whole thing regretting hitting publish in the first place. I've done it before.... Oh well here goes.
I struggle with abandonment. Shew. That felt good. I said it.
Abandonment. Abandonment. Abandonment.
It is getting easier.
Without opening LOTS of old closet doors into my heart and thought closet, I want to just share this on a friend level, but know that my issue goes back.
Since Jenny died I have had a reoccurring thought in my thought closet... and it is unhealthy. I haven't said it aloud except to Stacey, my prince. I can barely even think about it with out getting a lump in my throat much less actually verbalize this-
I don't have any friends. Okay, I have 2. I mean 3. I can keep doing that until I convince myself otherwise. Let me try to explain this evil thought. Back up a few years ago. Within 2-3 years, a great friend moved out of state, oh wait, make that 3. YES, 3 of my CLOSE friends moved out of state. Not all at once, but they moved. All at different times and not into the same state, but they did move. Then Jenny died. ABANDONED!
Now, I KNOW I have lots of good friends. I still have 2 of my BUCKET #1 girls in town, but as life goes on, and we get busier we aren't in each other daily lives or once a week lives like we used to be. There are times I just want to call a good friend and tell some exciting news, but don't because I know they are probably busy with another friend or busy with their family. INSECURITY anyone? Satan is loving taunting me about this.
But you know what, I have done it. I've removed myself. I've allowed it. I am keeping a close distance from my friends. PROTECTING myself from hurt. From the pain of losing another friend. It isn't fair- to me or to my friends, or to my Lord.
I am not trusting Him. I am not putting all my faith in Him. I'm not allowing the Lord to bless me through these kingdom sisters and I hope that typing this blog is a start.
At Jenny's birthday party, she told me I was hospitable. Well, I used to be. I can't remember when I actually friends in my home for something other than haircuts! I used to love to have friends over and eat and chat, but just haven't. I even TOLD people I was going to have them over all summer. The kids and I made a list of new families that we have made friends with in our town from their school and families from our church to have over. It was going to be hospitable Fridays, and I did not follow through. Ya' know, because I was sure they were too busy to come so we never set a date. I am sure they think I am crazy. Not that I am on a search for a new BFF, but as I said out loud at lunch today with Stacey- making new friends is hard stuff when you have armor of steel. (BTW, we were coming home from a fantastic church small group retreat with some precious families and women!). When Parker overheard me, and he told me that it was hard for him too. I tried to hold back my tears hearing him talk about it, but when Stacey (and the Holy Spirit) was done, P and I were in good places. I just need to start removing some of my protection and allow the Spirit to work.
Now, I just may delete this by the morning, but it sure felt good to write it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Probably not. It's probably me being one tired camper ALSO recovering from Jenny's Run for Hope. I know I can't live in the past... so there is HOPE for the FUTURE!