What the Lord told pressed into me...

This year, I decided I wanted to focus on Jenny's life, not her death. I wanted to remember all the good. I wanted to remember why I loved her so. What drew me, and many others to her spirit. Jenny oozed Christ. She was a magnet, as was Jesus. She brightened a room.  The past 3 years I have dreaded my birthday. My birthday is a bookend to such a difficult time.The day after my birthday was the day she was hospitalized, the roller coaster of days. The past 3 years I have relived each day, remembering what happened that day in the hospital and in my life. I can even tell you what I had on or where I sat in the hospital on certain days. I didn't want to focus on these memories. I wanted to FOCUS on her life! I wanted to thank the Lord for the empty tomb! But, you know what the Lord said to me?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

It's because of the DEATH! Was it all for nothing?

 If Jenny would have lived, would you be the same as you were on February 3rd? Is that okay with you?  NO! It was through her death that He changed me. It was through her death that THOUSANDS witnessed her funeral and lives were changed. It was through her death that the Lord brought MANY to His kingdom. Would it have been the same if she would have lived? WHY are you trying to forget that?! I have peace that the Lord knows I miss my friend. The Lord knows I wish Malaya had her mom, and that David had his wife. The Lord knows this.

When we were at the hospital those many days- the weather truly reflected what was going on in the hospital. I would look out the window and my imagination would create scenes of war outside. A spiritual war. I was sharing with Stacey yesterday about the final day. A conversation between my Lord and Satan. Stacey had a different script but my same scene. What do you think was happening, what was being said?

I can't believe it has been 3 years. The picture above is from Bowden's first birthday party.

Video just a few months after she died. Be still my heart.  Ms. Ninny. Oh, and don't judge my hair after a long day at preschool and it was probably about 10 ish at night. Were you glued to Carepages 3 years ago, I bet you were!

February 5th 2010, and February 4, 2010

I am not going to redo all the posts from 2010, but it's amazing to think it has been 3 years!
So, here you go.... February 5th. 

So, Malaya had spent the night with us. The plan was for me to bring her to hospital, but instead, we stayed home, and had a mini photo session with her so that we could take some photos up to Jenny to hang in her room as a surprise. You can read through the text messages to see why we didn't rush to hospital. We went on a little shopping spree, getting her a hat and a pair of jeans from Justice. After lunch I did take her to the hospital to see family. I will update a bit later, I have a special girl at my house right now! Malaya is here! David and Stacey and Lane all went on a run this morning, so I get the special opportunity to love on this sweet girl... what have we done so far you ask??? Straightened E's and M's hair and taken new photos of course! Now the girls are playing grocery store or restaurant, I can't tell. Parker is at the ranch, and me and B are watching Lion King. He thinks he is Simba. I love him. Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement!

Texts from February 5th:
6:03 am Kim Q: from joel: She is getting tetter! Her blood pressure is 100!!! All the feed back is good! Praise God.
6:03 am ME: Great
6:04 am Kim: How are you doing?
6:26 am Me: I'm okay
6:28 am Kim: I am lifting you up right now!!! I LOVE U!
I know u need to be an avenue of strength and hope and joy for precious Malaya!!! God certainly chose the right person for it!!! I pray that today!
6:30 am Me: Thank u
6:33 am Kim: A supernatural pillar of endurance and empowerment to boldy claim a faith that is shatter proof! I love you dearly!!!! U are gift from GOD! The spirit of anxiousness-worry-doubt-fear-and anything else that does not bring you the calming peace of God NOT be the yoke u wear today!!!

7:03am Angie: how is she

7:42am Kim: Is Malaya going to school today? Will you be able to go to hospital?
7:44am ME: She is not going to school. As of last night they wanted me to bring Malaya to the hospital this morning. I will call in a bit to see what the plan is.
7:45am Kim: Ohhhh wonderful!!!


7:52am HOLMES: what is her status
8:14am Me: Her bp is better not great but better. STP (stacey) is on his way up there
8:16am Holmes: Please keep us updated. I love technology in days like this...I have spread the prayer requests from south Carolina to Utah


8:25 am Kelli L.: Anything new?
8:25am Me: STP on way to hospital.
8:30 am Kelli: good to hear she made it through the night. Did Malaya go with Stacey?

8:31 am Me: no, I am making breakfast
8:33 am Kelli: Okay, I'll let you get back..

(this went out to many people)
8:42am DAVID: Jenny update: she is doing much better. Yesterday and last night was inserting tubes, ventilater, chest cavity drain, tons of tests and so on. Today is to be a day of rest, healing and draining. So no visitors today. They need her to rest and allow the antibiotics to heal her. As she comes to, I have been reading ur comments, prayers and mesages on text and facebook to Jenny. They ahve been a bit lift to her spirit. Thanks.
Tests have come back showing signs of improvement. They have drained 2 liters of infectious fluids with the help of meds her bp is currently 95/55. Heart rate is currently 145 which is a jogging rate. Oxygen levels are good thanks to ventalater. Good is good and he is moving through these doctors and nurses.

8:52 am STP: still not out of the woods yet. Possible problems iwth kidney and/or heart. Not sure yet. They aer calling in a kidney specialist and cardiologist.
9:03am STP: DON'T bring Malaya this morning. See what happens later today.

10:57am KIM Q: are you there yet??????
11:03 am ME: no, I'm home with Malaya
11:04 am KIMQ: Awwwhhh man!!! DId you get last update
11:06am Me: About heart and kidneys? Or is there more?
11:06 am Kim Q: No that is it....I HATE THIS!

11:41 am ME: They think she MIGHT have had a heart attack at some point. Malaya is with me. Unable to talk- PLEASE PRAY!
11:41 am Jami: OH NO! Praying!
11:47 am STP: She did NOT have a heart attack. She is doing better.

12:00 DAVID: We were told today that there were some test results that may suggest issues with Jenny's heart. A cardiologist just left room and said Jenny's heart is structurally sound. they are going to increase her bp bottom number which will inturn reduce her heart rate.

Friday, February 04, 2011

February 4th, 2010

This time last year, I was scrambling getting my kids places. Last year....

Last year on February 3rd, my birthday, Jenny texted me at about 4 in the morning telling me Happy Birthday! It woke me up, and I text her back to ask her what in the WORLD she was doing up! She had missed my birthday celebration 4 days before because she didn't feel good, she was sick. So this morning at 4 am she told me that she was running fever and was miserable and couldn't sleep. I thanked her for her birthday wishes and said a prayer for her. Later that morning, mid morning, I received another text from her asking, pleading for prayers. She had mentioned that her fever was at an all time high, and readers, I'm talking 104 range! I told her 911! and then told her I would pray. I asked her if I could bring her something, La Madeline soup, popsicles.. anything! I told her I would leave it on the front porch so I wouldn't catch what she had. All of this was by text because she said that it hurt too much for her to talk. She declined any of the above. Mid-afternoon she texted me and praising the Lord, that the fever broke. I praised the Lord with her... celebrated the rest of my birthday, and went to get new running shoes.

February 4th... I was at preschool. I received a text from Stacey

9:42 am Stacey: Jenny's in the hospital, ICU @ Baylor. She has pneumonia! Just go this from David in a text.
9:43am Me: OH NO! What can I do?
9:44am Stacey: Yea, David said the doc said she would be much better in a few hours once the meds kick in

11:50 Me: STP just tole me that it was worse than they thought!!! What can I do? My heart is aching for you and her. I thought the meds were working
11:50 David: not worse than they thought, worse than I thought

11:59am Jami Henderson: I heard jenny was put in the hospital!!! PLEASE keep me updated.

12:27 pm STP: Diagnosis is "SEVERE SEPSIS" Not real sure what that is though.

12:27ME: ICU!! How did you find out?
12:32 Jami: Sandy saw it on Bev's facebook

1:04 pm STP: CALL ME
(I think this is where things really started becoming known to the doctors at this point, so STP went to the hospital and is keeping me updated since I was at preschool.)

1:44pm David: Basically, Jenny has such severe pneumonia that she has sepsis. Not sure how to define it. Google it. For the first time she is resting somewhat. Her heart rate is still 140 blood pressure is very low. She is on breathing apparatus. The doctor should be in at 2:30.
WE ALL NEED TO PRAY that her body and meds will clear her of the junk. Thks.

So, preschools gets out at 2:00pm. I had arranged for Emaline to go home with Candace and Christopher from school. I remember walking into the preschool office and sheepishly asking, you guys remember Jenny Bizaillion, right? (Jenny worked at preschool about 5 years ago). I REMEMBER Emily, the director, turning and making eye contact with me, as I told them a very short synopsis of the day, and asked for prayers for her. They said absolutely. I took Bowden with me and dropped him off at Kimberly's house, the sweet girl I carpool with, she already had Parker. Then I drove to Baylor Grapevine. Stacey was on the phone with me... he had been at the hospital during his lunch, but was back at work at this time. He walked me through where to go. I walked through these sliding glass doors, took a few more steps where I could see my friend in the bed. David met me at the door. (I have written, and then erased a few different times here....but, I am pretty sure it was this visit they had us put on masks.) I stepped through the doors walked the floor by the foot of the bed, there in front of me was Beverly, Jenny's mom. She quickly looked up, said "hey" and was maneuvering 2 different cell phones, texting, sending messages. She was very occupied. If you know Beverly at all, she is one peppy lady, all I got was a 'hey', this set a tone for me. I took a left down the side of Jenny's bed and took her hand. I stroked her hair and talked to her as she tried to talk to me. She couldn't very well. She couldn't breathe very well. She raised her gown to show me her RASH. Oh my word, her rash. First off, I couldn't believe my sweet modest friend was raising her gown when there was a ROOM full of nurses and people. Her stomach was swollen. She had on her glasses and an oxygen mask. Stacey arrived shortly. As he walked in the room, he came over to me and removed my purse. I never took it off my shoulder. I had found my place right beside Jenny, and was sticking. It was at this bedside I began to tell my friend she HAD to get out of that bed. This was NOT a good birthday present for me, but I DID get some new running shoes so I could run with her and I needed her to get OUT of that bed so we can run. She made eye contact with me during my whole story, and I am sure I went on a bit more. Then she used her fingers and made the running motion with her middle and index finer. I said: WE ARE GOING TO RUN!... More visitors started showing up. Nurses started doing some stuff... I remember Lane Ladewig arriving in the room. Jenny was inviting everyone in her room. You wouldn't have known how ill she really was as she was trying to hold a party in that small room. Some doctors arrived.... Stacey and I stepped out as they did some stuff in the room with Jenny. We had just stepped out into a small little room infront of Jenny's room. 2 doctors arrived and began looking over her case. These words I can still hear Dr. Kalipara and Dr. Lester say: We have these 2 things going for us, she is young and she is fit. They said it over and over while talking to each other. They left, we went back in. Jenny looked at me and said, "If I would have waited one more day, I wouldn't be here!" I think David had to help her finish that sentence because she was having such a hard time breathing. They do a procedure around this time, it is around 5:00pm to drain some fluid off her lungs. DRAIN SOME FLUID! One lung was full, other was 3/4's full. There was fluid even outside her lungs. They drained a quart and a half! I remember seeing the container of FLUID on the table in her room. It was green, it was dark, and later, as I look back on it, it was EVIL, pure EVIL in that bottle. Things were not good. We heard the doctors saying so. Her blood pressure was 79/40 at one point, as I read over my text messages from that night. A decision was made for us to go get Malaya who was staying at a friends house. Jenny told me the things she wanted from her house that Stacey would bring back up to her at the hospital. THAT girl asked for her BeautiControl face scrub! She was addicted. I sold it for a few years, and SHE WAS ADDICTED TO HER SCRUB! I told her, she didn't need it. She just smiled at me, and I wrote it down along with the other stuff she wanted. I can't remember anything else on that list. Stacey and I left the hospital. He went one direction to get Emaline, pick up Malaya, go to their house and get the things Jenny wanted and the things Malaya would need to stay a few days at our house. I went to get boys from the Blake's house. We met back at house. He helped me get kids somewhat ready for bed, but we all stayed up watching American Idol. I will let you read the text messages to see how the rest of the night went.

8:29 ME: any new stuff
9:30 David: she is having a tough time
9:32 ME: awe man. We r watching dog in a big pallet next up american Idol.What was her blood oxygen? any better
9:34 David: I will things are kind of touch and go. They just called in another doctor. Jenny is fighting. I am so proud of her. There are 5 nurses with her.

10:00 BLAKE: OH Paige!Is it alright if I put her on our churches prayer chain? I'll have Shara send it in since she knows her...I am so sorry!

10:04 Jami: praying!!! PLEASE keep me posted no matter what time it is. Can't stop thinking about it!

10:11 Amy Skrovan: My goodness Paige. My heart is just breaking for her, her family, sweet Malaya and everyone who loves her. We r praying. Have they said if she can fight this?
10:12 ME: hoping the VENT will allow her body to rest and fight at the same time.
10:14 AMY: Did they ever say if it was the am--? Can't remember the name.
10:15 ME: MRSA? staph
10:16 AMY: is it that?

10:20 HOLMES: Keep us posted. We are praying for her and David and Malaya.

10:35 David: Thanks for your prayers for Jenny. This has been a hard day. As we end the night, Jenny is currently sedated. THey have inserted a breathing ventilator. They also inserted an ART line to monitor her blood pressure. They have put in a draning tue in her chest cavity.They have drained about 1500 ML of fluid. She is still critical and not out of the woods yet. But she is in good hands. The octors and nurses hae been incredible please keep praying for healing. I honest never would gave belived anyone that my jenny was this sick. I will keep u updated as we go.

10:41 Jami: I am literally sick to my stomach just htinking about all of this!
10:45ME: love you
10:46 Jami: just another reminder of how fragile life is and how I take things for granted and stress too much over unimportant things!!! Love you! Give Malaya a hug!

10:46 HOLMES: Please tell him his prayer requests have been sent to the north, south, east, and west. We will cover her in pryares tonight. Be strong Paige- She needs you right now. Let us know of anything we can do. I can watch your kids tomorrow if needed. Just bring them over. I have everything you need.
10:53pm ME: THank you my mom was already coming tomorrow so that is working out great. STP just texted he will be at hospital longer she is really struggling.
10:54 HOLMES: OH MY WORD! I can't believe this!

10:49 Stacey: I may be here a while longer. She is struggling.
10:52 ME: Ok. me and Malaya are watching TV. Others are alseep on couch with us.
(BTW, we never let our kids stay up that late, or fall sleep on the couch that late, but the kids did not have school on Friday! Don't judge)
10:52 Stacey: Awesome, just continue to bless that sweet child!
10:54 ME: We just prayed for her mommy. Generically of course.

11:14 Stacey: PUT IT ON FB NOW, she needs massive prayers!

11:24 HOLMES: just sent prayer request to church email

11:23pm ME: I did, What is up, anything new?
11:25pm Stacey: night doc not near as hopeful for her surviving

11:24pm HOLMES: grapevine church
11:25pm Candace: Prayers being lifted

11:27pm ME: STACEY! OH MY WORD! What in the world!??
11:27 pm Stacey: i know.
11:28 Stacey: my battery is almost out

11:31pm Jami: WHAT?!?!?! NO! So not sleeping tonight. Just going to pray!!
11:33pm LANE ladewig: WHAT? i thought that worry was behind them? Did she take a turn for the worse?
11:43pm ME to JAMI: I'm just shocked! THey almost lost her!
11:44pm Jami: did they have to shock her?
11:53 pm ME: no just her bp was crazy and the nurses told bev they almost lost her
11:55pm Jami: So scary. Is Stacey staying the night?
12:36 AM ME: so far yes. Lane and Joel are there as well as beverly, and maybe barbie
12:37 AM Jami: good. Seriously keep me updated if anything changes. Love you. Stay strong.

That is all I remember from February 4th. The rest of the time of Jenny's stay in the hospital is crazy. I will do my best to recap what I remember on here. Please pray for David, Malaya, Rick, Beverly, Josh, Kaycie, Jonathan, Jennifer, the aunts and uncles, the nieces and nephews, and the friends that miss her daily.

A letter to Me

This past year has been one that the Lord has done great things in my life. He has taught me, pulled me, whispered to me, encouraged me, loved me, forgave me- it's been a good year.

Today, has been an emotional one, and it isn't my birthday yet. Not yet.

I have cried a bit here and there. I've reflected on my life this past year.

Reflection.

I THINK it is good and bad to reflect- or at least this is what I am telling myself.

As I reflect, some times I have a pitty party for myself. I start remembering all that nasty stuff that has happened. How lonely I have felt. How unappreciated I have felt. Replaying hurtful words I have heard spoken to me. Pointing out failures along the way.

Reflection.

Then I remind myself, these are the lies that Satan wants me to hear. I speak truth to replay louder than the words of hurt. I remind myself that the LORD loves me. How the Lord anticipated my birth and had my life planned out. The good and the bad. The 3 beautiful kids, the LOVING husband that loves me unconditionally. My sweet friends. I think that the Lord has so much planned for me in the next year, if I found out now, my head might explode.

I want to focus more on the present/future than the past. That past has made me who I am, but I will not let it define me any more. I want people NOT to say- well, she needs to move on, but instead say- that GIRL, she trusts the LORD with all her heart and that there isn't enough time to tell all that the Lord has done through her!

I want to spend more time with HIM this year. More time in prayer. More time in the word.

I want to spend more time with JUST Stacey this year.

I want to spend quality time with my kids this year.

I want to eat a little healthier.

I want to rocket into running again.

I want to be more creative- like I used to be!

I want to be a better friend.

I want to celebrate more!

I want to LOVE more.

I am going to have a great YEAR!